Life Thoughts

This is all I need in my life. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need much to be happy in life. I have a job; even if it is a little stressful sometimes. I have a body that, while not perfect or at 100% yet, I am able to walk and breathe. I have family, again, while not perfect, they love me and are there for me when I need them. 

My niece asked me if I was going to get married. My first thought was, "Some day." But what actually came out was, "Meh. I don't need/want to get married. But I guess it'd be nice. You know. Some day." 

When I turned 31 - in my mind I was officially in my 30s - I began telling myself that I didn't want to get married. I didn't need to get married. As I'm sitting here at work, I think I've changed my mind. I do want to get married. I don't necessarily need to, but I do want to. The necessity to get married isn't there. If I were to manage my money better, I could live on my own pretty comfortably. I don't need a man to feel fulfilled in my life's purpose or to feel complete. When I was younger, mostly in my early 20s, I felt like I needed someone to save me from myself, from living with my brother or crazy roommates. I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. I had plenty of opportunities to get into a relationship that would end in marriage, but subconsciously, I knew I wasn't ready or even had my shit together enough to be an active participant in a marriage. 

Sitting here at 33 years old, I'm barely getting my shit together enough to resemble adulthood. I mean, I have a full time job, dental and health insurance, matching sheets, I voluntarily eat fruits and vegetables on a pretty regular basis, I floss every morning before I go to bed. I just have to start liking myself enough to put physical activity into the mix, oh, and probably stop undermining any progress I'm making just because I'm bored. I need thinking to myself, "If I were skinny, had better teeth, were smarter, had a fancy degree, I would be more worthy of someone's love." I am worthy of someone's love right now. In spite of what I look like. Regardless of if some university tells me that all the work I put in deems me worthy of a $20,000+ piece of paper. Yes, losing weight and fixing my teeth will attract someone physically. I have no delusions about that and it's something that I'm working on. But that shouldn't preclude me from putting myself out there.

I think most of what my problem is that I have successfully shut myself in. I hardly go to church. The people I work with are mostly women. I don't go to activities. Social gatherings just don't interest me. I'm an introvert at heart. Awkward flirting is not my thing. I think I just need to go back to school or find a better group of friends who are more reliable. I just need to get out of Provo. 

At the end of the day, I guess I'm waiting because I don't want to settle. 

My Eyes Only...For A While.

I haven't exactly made this blog private, but I haven't exactly made it known that it's here. I think I just needed to write somewhere where it's a little more anonymous and not censure myself so much. But I guess whoever reads this, well, I guess it really doesn't matter in the end.

Dear Mom

I didn't think I'd miss you so much this year. As lame as it sounds, but it took watching an episode of NCIS to flip the lid on "I Miss Mom" jar and all that pushed aside emotion is spilling over. This year will be the fifteenth Christmas without you. I don't know why, but it always seems strange that you aren't here. It always felt like Christmas when you were alive. Was it my perception of time that helped me have some sort of connection to the holidays or was it because we had you around? I know that I had a spiritual connection to Christmas in the past. As an adult, I have a hard time having those same feelings. I think a lot of it is because I don't have you here and because of my motivation to go to church is pretty much at zero nowadays.

I often find myself thinking about how things would be different with you here or would they be the same? Would Felisa be who she is? Would Stephen be who he is? Would I be where I am? Would I be who I am? I have no doubt Phil and Nathan would be exactly be who they are. I think they were already well down that road to becoming who they are today. I'm afraid I haven't found myself. I was always the one who lacked the confidence and motivation to finish those defining life moments. Mostly because I was scared of failing and of course the lack of confidence didn't help either. As an adult, I see how that's held me back from realizing my full potential and it makes me sad to think of those lost opportunities lay by the wayside. Even now, I think I'm still a little scared to take an risks that might define who I am even more. I know we all have different paths, but isn't there different mile-posts that we're all supposed to hit??

I just wish you were here.

Glorious

I L O V E this song! It was recorded by David Archuleta for the movie Meet the Mormons. I haven't seen the movie and really don't have a desire to watch it, but if the message behind this song speaks to the type of movie Meet the Mormons is, then maybe I'll reconsider. 

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive right now, but seriously, I really love the message behind this song. I feel like it's one of those songs that gives you a little lift and gives you a little perspective. Which is something I am in need of...like all the time.