Dear Mom

I didn't think I'd miss you so much this year. As lame as it sounds, but it took watching an episode of NCIS to flip the lid on "I Miss Mom" jar and all that pushed aside emotion is spilling over. This year will be the fifteenth Christmas without you. I don't know why, but it always seems strange that you aren't here. It always felt like Christmas when you were alive. Was it my perception of time that helped me have some sort of connection to the holidays or was it because we had you around? I know that I had a spiritual connection to Christmas in the past. As an adult, I have a hard time having those same feelings. I think a lot of it is because I don't have you here and because of my motivation to go to church is pretty much at zero nowadays.

I often find myself thinking about how things would be different with you here or would they be the same? Would Felisa be who she is? Would Stephen be who he is? Would I be where I am? Would I be who I am? I have no doubt Phil and Nathan would be exactly be who they are. I think they were already well down that road to becoming who they are today. I'm afraid I haven't found myself. I was always the one who lacked the confidence and motivation to finish those defining life moments. Mostly because I was scared of failing and of course the lack of confidence didn't help either. As an adult, I see how that's held me back from realizing my full potential and it makes me sad to think of those lost opportunities lay by the wayside. Even now, I think I'm still a little scared to take an risks that might define who I am even more. I know we all have different paths, but isn't there different mile-posts that we're all supposed to hit??

I just wish you were here.