Life Thoughts

This is all I need in my life. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need much to be happy in life. I have a job; even if it is a little stressful sometimes. I have a body that, while not perfect or at 100% yet, I am able to walk and breathe. I have family, again, while not perfect, they love me and are there for me when I need them. 

My niece asked me if I was going to get married. My first thought was, "Some day." But what actually came out was, "Meh. I don't need/want to get married. But I guess it'd be nice. You know. Some day." 

When I turned 31 - in my mind I was officially in my 30s - I began telling myself that I didn't want to get married. I didn't need to get married. As I'm sitting here at work, I think I've changed my mind. I do want to get married. I don't necessarily need to, but I do want to. The necessity to get married isn't there. If I were to manage my money better, I could live on my own pretty comfortably. I don't need a man to feel fulfilled in my life's purpose or to feel complete. When I was younger, mostly in my early 20s, I felt like I needed someone to save me from myself, from living with my brother or crazy roommates. I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. I had plenty of opportunities to get into a relationship that would end in marriage, but subconsciously, I knew I wasn't ready or even had my shit together enough to be an active participant in a marriage. 

Sitting here at 33 years old, I'm barely getting my shit together enough to resemble adulthood. I mean, I have a full time job, dental and health insurance, matching sheets, I voluntarily eat fruits and vegetables on a pretty regular basis, I floss every morning before I go to bed. I just have to start liking myself enough to put physical activity into the mix, oh, and probably stop undermining any progress I'm making just because I'm bored. I need thinking to myself, "If I were skinny, had better teeth, were smarter, had a fancy degree, I would be more worthy of someone's love." I am worthy of someone's love right now. In spite of what I look like. Regardless of if some university tells me that all the work I put in deems me worthy of a $20,000+ piece of paper. Yes, losing weight and fixing my teeth will attract someone physically. I have no delusions about that and it's something that I'm working on. But that shouldn't preclude me from putting myself out there.

I think most of what my problem is that I have successfully shut myself in. I hardly go to church. The people I work with are mostly women. I don't go to activities. Social gatherings just don't interest me. I'm an introvert at heart. Awkward flirting is not my thing. I think I just need to go back to school or find a better group of friends who are more reliable. I just need to get out of Provo. 

At the end of the day, I guess I'm waiting because I don't want to settle.